deep breathe

No killing anyone. That’s my aim for today. To help me fulfil this goal, I am going to outline my strategy for coping. Coping with what?

I don’t know. I can’t stay on topic for more than 20 seconds, at best.

What’s this about?

One and a half days without a cigarette and I am not finding it that easy. At the same time, I am feeling light-headed, dizzy, tired, wired, having hot flushes and am seriously pissed off. At everything.

I think I am menopausing or something.

I know that I am whingeing, and can be a bit of a drama queen. But I DARE YOU to tell me that.

I am still pissed at the cameraman yesterday who tried to film me not smoking. How about I come in and shine a bright light in your face, while you are trying to relax (hah!), watch the football, and not abuse the fuckheads from Adelaide next to you. We won – without Captain Judd, the Spiritual Leader, (two Brownlow medallists, mind you) our centre-half forward, and the man with 9.5 fingers. So FUCK YOU, you poncy Adelaide bitches — I hope that one day you can fulfil your dream of being on TV. And another big FUCK YOU goes to the cameraman and his reporter — a pox on both your houses.

Back to the topic. Yes I remembered it, again. How am I going to deal with this?


1. Remind myself that it is hard, but that’s what I expected. Well, yes it is. But it will (supposedly) get easier.

2. Clench my jaw a bit more.

2. Deep breathe. I find am almost hyperventilating at my desk at the moment. That is why I thought that I would write this. If this doesn’t get posted, then I have probably passed out.

3. Drink water. Yeah, well, I am but I am going to the loo like there’s no tomorrow. Probably all the coffee that I have had hasn’t helped. Note to self: drink less coffee.

4. I need some programmed responses for when I feel like just running down and buying cigarettes. I mean, I feel like it at the moment, but when I seriously feel like it. And am planning on doing it. DELAY – just wait for a bit. Ride the wave, enjoy the rush of desire, and the intensity of it all. It is quite psychoactive, really. Maybe I need to hyperventilate a bit more.


5. Call Stash. He said he will help me. He knows how I can get angry really quickly, and for no good reason. A good piece of advice he gave me yesterday was: Quitting smoking is hard. Only do it once. I think that is a good idea.

6. Chew that god-awful gum. Wear the patches. I am not sure that they are doing much. Even a little placebo effect would be good.

7. Walk around. That’s what I am going to do now.


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